I hate that everything is so up in the air right now. Nothing is set in stone and that really makes me nervous. I want this phase of my life to be over so bad. I want to be in my career. I want to be out of this awkward dating phase and into a real relationship.
I guess the main things I hate right now are, school, being alone with myself, and having to make HUGE choices that will determine my happiness for the rest of my earthly life!
It makes me have serious anxiety.
I think the main reason I am sick of school right now is because, well mainly it's my math class. I have come to find this semester that I really, really, truly hate mathematics. I find it confusing, boring, and not useful for any student who is going to be teaching history for heavens sake. And the fact that I have to look at couples all cuddly in the halls and holding hand and all the girl's pretty wedding rings. I basically want to chuck my math book at their heads.
I hate being alone. I just remember in high school if I had to walk anywhere in the school I wanted someone to be with me. When I graduated I thought that everything would be the same, that I would see my friends everyday and that we wouldn't need to grow up for a while. Little did I know that wasn't the plan. As my friends started college we started to drift away. As we all got jobs we drifted further away and life went from seeing each other every day to trying to squeeze in lunch dates. Even in my third semester of college walking alone through the campus and hardly knowing anyone makes me so uncomfortable. Life didn't get any easier when my best friend got a boyfriend and I went from seeing her twice a week to not seeing her for weeks. The hardest part was hearing about all the fun she was having with her boyfriend while I was sitting at my house hanging out with my dad on a Saturday night.
I have definitely grown from being able to just focus on me and what I want and need in life. But it is absolutely one of the hardest things I've been through in my life.
Then there is the choices thing. I feel like I am pretty good at making decisions in life. I will pick a chick flick over a thriller any day. Chocolate or vanilla? Twist please. Even with my major picking History Education was pretty easy. It's just, the whole not set in stone thing. I want to know that it was the right decision to make. I want to see the finished picture and know that it was a masterpiece.
I'm definitely learning that putting all of my trust in Heavenly Father's hands is hard for me to do.
Recently I was talking to a friend about his situation in life. He wasn't where he was supposed to be and he was angry and confused why something like this would happen. He just wanted everything to be how it normally would be. As I reflected his situation the scripture D & C 122:7-9 came to mind. I just said to him, Heavenly Father knows what's best for us. He knows what we need to go through in life to become the best we can be. To become like him. As I said those words, I felt a pit in my stomach. I needed to take the advice I was giving him and give it to myself. It was at that moment I knew that Heavenly Father was aware of my situation and was just waiting for me to figure it out.
So, I'm not sure where I'm going with this now.
I just know that Heavenly Father knows each of us so well. What makes us happy, and ticked. Sad and calm. He can help out with anything. And that gives me such comfort.
Okay that was the shipell about what has been on my mind lately. I had to get it out.
"In the middle of the night when I'm in this dream it's like a million little stars spelling out your name. You gotta come on, come on say that we'll be together. Come on, come on little taste of Heaven." -Possibly my favorite tswift song right now. :]
Recently I've been listening to a lot of taylor swift.
As I'm going through my days I've found that tswift has written a song just about everything that I am feeling at that moment.
Every word that comes out of her mouth I couldn't have said more perfectly.
love, ashley.
